The Y chromosome

One of my struggles this last year has been dealing with .....MEN!As you may or may not know for most of my life I thought I was a lesbian. After 2 long term lesbian relationships I've now decided that I am in fact not gay. Perhaps bi. After many years of thinking about my sexuality I've decided that I thought I was a lesbian because I have a firm belief that NO man would ever be interested in me. I'm not sure exactly where this belief comes from. I have suspicion it comes from my feelings about my weight. This belief is upsetting to me so I try not to think about it so much. Consequently I don't have as much insight on it as I do about other personality quirks of mine.

After 31 years of not dating guys I decided to give it a go last year. My friend met her husband on the free dating site plentyoffish.com so I decided to create a profile in March 2008. This started a roller coaster year like non that I could have ever imagined. I won't go into details cause if you've been a part of my life this last year then you already know way to many details. If you haven't been a part of my life you're probably better off not knowing.

Through my experiences I have learned that humans carrying the Y chromosome are a completely different species then humans not carrying it.

I have discovered that men are not genuinely interested in me as a person. This saddens and perplexes me because I have no answers as to why. This last week I was letting this fact depress me so I was discussing the issue over with my friend Amanda. Prior to talking to Amanda I always thought that guys weren't interested in me cause of my weight. Amanda & I are very similar in size & she always has boys chasing her. I decided that I must be putting off an "I'm not interested or looking vibe." How do stop doing that? How do I send a flirty vibe? I have no idea.

People always tell me to be the person I'm looking for. I think I am. I'm looking for a Jewish black man! Does that not perfectly describe me? Hehe! Actually I do think I have many qualities that are desirable.

• I'm smart. I was tested by a psychiatrist cause he thought I had ADD. Nope I'm just a bit hyper-vigilant and completely addicted to caffeine. I guess this can be perceived as ADD. Smart but still can't spell worth a fuck.
• I have a good sense of humor. I find that you have to either laugh or cry at life. I choose to laugh & often for that matter.
• I have well defined interests. These include British history, anything medical, the South Eastern United States culture, an eclectic taste in music, Judaism, reading, swimming, Canon & Daphney, & a small addiction to books...just to name a few.
• I genuinely find others peoples experiences and opinions interesting. I realize that in my life I can't do, feel, or experience everything. I find much pleasure in listening to other peoples stories about their thoughts and experiences. Especially if their experience is something that I would never ever in a million years attempt. What better way to see parts of the world that you may never see if not through the eyes of someone else. I love hearing about other peoples opinion on certain things. Sometimes I'm shocked & usually greatly entertained that people think an feel such things. The important thing is to be open minded enough to be completely fine that not everyone agrees with you. Differences in people make us unique and interesting.
• Good personality traits that I have the market on include being honest, generous, not materialistic, happy, good work ethic, stability, frugality. What would you list here? Deb, Megan, Beth this question is directed at you.
  
• I have hopes, aspirations, goals, big and small:
  
• I hope NEVER to have children.
  
• I hope to travel to England someday.
  
• I hope to convert to Judaism.
  
• I hope to find that one Jewish black man out there that "gets me...." where the fuck are you?
  
• I hope to pay off my credit card this year.
  
• I hope to get rid of all the stuff in the storage unit that I've been renting for the past 4 years. Just think, an automatic $25 saved each month. Anyone want to come help me sort through it....Deb? Jesse? Megan?
  
• I hope to loose weight and become the workout queen that I used to be. As for now all I can say is at least I'm not gaining weight!
  
• I hope to move out of Logan. Preferably back to a warmer climate.
  

This isn't an all inclusive list but it is a bit of what I have to offer. Now tell me why guys are not interested in me? This last year I read a book called "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo. This book gave me much insight into how guys think. It's brilliant...read it. Although, it didn't give me any clue as to what I'm doing or not doing that consistently makes guys not give me a second look. Perhaps I'm just asking a question that will never be answered. Kind of like why exactly was Stonehenge built, who brought the statues to Easter Island, or why are guys not interested in Kins? Things we just may never know.

Ok, I'm officially done thinking about this....for now. :)